One thing I discovered… every college has a profile… a profile of what kind of student they want. You see, the colleges, they pick students that best fit their personality. So something like… hipster stuff for Brown? Economics for Columbia, Model UN for Harvard, and all that – you know that- sentimental service stuff for U-Penn Pass my jacket. So go into that CV of yours and start to categorize based on our research. Ask yourself what is it that I have to brag about? …I have my cooking stuff Your cooking? Are you– You’ve got to be kidding me. What, do you want to get rejected right away? Cooking is what Iove. They don’t care about what you like. The only thing you should be worrying about is whether they like you. But I’m top 1% of our class. 1% of a billion is still 10 million kids And the Ivies between the 8 of them have what — 24,000 spots? Ok, what exactly do I have to do? What 99% of applicants don’t do. Mr. Patel… You appear to carry a rather… “exhaustive” list of passions. You know, Chandra Shekar, there’s this… awful misconception that one needs to be
passionate about something Well until of course you start meeting passionate people. My proudest achievements? Well… I am President of the Model UN club, Captain of the Soccer Team, Chairman of the Chinese Culture Society, Founder of the Youth Debating League (Singapore) Chess Champion of the Year, Editor-in-Chief of the ACE Daily News, Lead Maths Problem Solver. I like see myself as “well balanced.” You know, the kind of student Brown University would just love to have. Because “finance” is Rohan Patel… When I began devoting myself to strength training Right before I launched B.S.S. Beyond Social Services, of course. And rewrote the works of Walter Benjamin into something… well… much more forgiving. And I know what you’re thinking, but… Well, I’m not just another “nerd.” But I’m not just another nerd. I’m not just another nerd. Just another… Jock. So, dude, all that stuff just for college, yeah? Yeah, I suppose… Well I guess soccer is the only one I really enjoy. What’s the question again? Uh… “Write about a simple pleasure in life.” Right! Okay. So what’s the first thing that should pop into your head when you see a question like this? What you like doing as hobby? No… …What makes you happy? Come on, Hyo… I mean you have to think… “What is this college going to want to read about?” I mean this essay is for Harvard, so your “simple pleasure” in life is? Is…? Gimme. Gimme. You derive a simple pleasure in life from… Trading stocks online. Hey, wait, wait. Can we just write about something else? Like my activities? Right, and I’m gonna let you write about your Korean Gordon Ramsay and your Kimchi Risotto Please Hyo… If you find it so easy, then what are you writing about? When you have so many things to write about it’s… it’s hard to pick and choose. My life is too complex. (sighs) (College Results Day) It’s gonna be okay. 12 years of education. Finally something to show for it. Which one do we start first? “Science stuff for Princeton.” Let the games begin. (Your application to Princeton College) (Click here to view your decision) (sorry to inform you…) (Brown University Admissions) (Rejected) (Columbia, U-Penn, Yale, Cornell) (This was a challenging process for us…) (The competition for this year’s entering class was…) (The committee appreciated the time, care…) (We could not admit all the qualified students) (We were not able to admit you…) (We wish you well…) (Sincerely, Jane Levine Shirley, Dean of Admission) (Harvard College, Office of Admissions) (STATUS: DELAYED) Harvard’s Delayed (Screams of Joy) M.I.T. Motherfuckers, come on!!! Yeah… hahaha! Sup guys, I have a question for you all. … is M.I.T community college? Nope! Come on, where’s my congratulatory kiss? Dude… What? He got rejected from his safeties. Oh shit. Sucks man. Uh, last year Kelley Brant got rejected from everywhere And now? Millionaire. That’s because his Dad’s a millionaire. Listen Andy just get Papa Widjaya to make a huge donation to Stanford University and you’ll get in just fine. That’s what the kid did. Got him into M.I.T. Yeah, sure… okay, but uh… I mean I’m good at physics, and science and shit. You’re in Senior Year and you’re in Geometry 1. Please… Yeah, well, I got into M.I.T, so suck my balls! So uh… did any of them say anything? Hyo, I told you. Okay, not one. Well Harvard is delayed right? Like… Come on, who knows? Something might… happen right? (sighs) Yeah. I don’t want you to misunderstand. I just want to say thank you for helping me a lot Being a really good friend of mine. I got into Cornell for computer engineering Thank you. Come on, try to feel better okay? Yeah? [email protected] (Log in) (Yoo Brown baby!!! What up future roommate!?) (Columbia, Cornell 2014!!) (Dude, where’d you get in?!) (What’s on your mind?) (H-A-R-V-A-R-D) (HARVARD CLASS OF 2014!!) Dude this guy is so smart! I’m telling you dude. He walks into Harvard like he’s walking into like a… Like a McDonalds or something! I’m not even kidding! That’s impressive. Well done. But seriously though How do you do it man? Ok so basically what you do is You analyze the profile of the college, right? and you pick an activity that best
correlates with what the college is famous for. So, uh, what would you say are the chances are For someone with a 2100 SAT? What 2100? Yeah Dude come on, man! Hey, hey, hey Can you coach my little sister? My parents would totally hire you Yeah sure, why not? Awesome! (Door Opening) Guys can you take a seat please? Take a seat! Come on, we have a lot to do today Hurry up please! Stand right there. Thank you. Alright listen it’s not every year that a teacher has news like this That not just one but two students make it into the Ivies it really makes up for the rest of you clowns. (class moaning) So seriously I want to make a toast First To our young scholar from the metropolis of Korea To Hyo (class cheering) And to our unknown villager from India “Rohan” Here’s to you guys. You’ve made me so proud. Give them a hand! (clapping and cheering) Alright, pull out your books. Let’s get started. Everyone knows… Every single person in this school knows Harvard’s delayed Hyo, you’re making it out to seem worse than it actually is It’s not that big of a deal. It is a big deal because you lied to Miller And he wrote your recommendation That is a big deal. Why would you do that? Look, I don’t know why I did it, okay? I don’t know why! I guess it was just the spur of the moment Fuck I didn’t think it would get so big Well we need to stop it. We’ll talk about this later Patel! My man! I never got the chance to congratulate you personally Damn Girls! This guy here Mother-fucking King of Ivies Harvard University Congratulations Oh I think my Dad went there He said the teaching was shit though Right, jealousy much? Anyways, big party Tuesday I expect to see the both of you there (chattering ominously in French) So I’ll see you there? We have test on Wednesday Right you’ll probably be up all night playing Starcraft man Don’t worry we’d be down for that. Alright, well, we’ll add you to the guest list. Thank you We’ll be seeing you Was that the spur of the moment too? (sound of club bass playing) Dude! I told you it’s a bad idea! I’m gonna go deaf! Dude just pretend it’s an interview! Okay? It’s fine! How do you get a drink dude? Uh, just choose a bottle? Mine says “Belvedere.” Maybe I can get that bottle? Mine says “Moet Brut.” Uh, I don’t know dude. Can I get a tequila shot please? Rohan! Oh hey! What are you guys doing here? Oh me and Hyo – we got a ticket So uh We wanted a drink. Oh my god, Blake is going to be so excited to see you! Really? Mhm. Can I just please borrow your friend for a second? Um… Okay uh Two seconds. I’ll be back. I’ll be back. Oh shit! Oh! Guys, guys! This guy right here. Rohan Patel Harvard Class of two-thousand fucking fourteen. Hey wait, no, no, no… Drink up! Drink up! Dude! Leave him alone! What the hell man? Congrats! Andy. Andy Widjaya. Uh, Rohan. Rohan Patel. Congrats man. Dude, you got your decision early? Yeah I did. I did. Well how’d that happen? I heard they were delayed. Actually no, I heard about that as well but um… You know I have a friend who got his too. Yeah? Who? Um, Tim. Timothy Wong. Never heard of the guy. It doesn’t matter. He got rejected anyway. Dude, I’m still waiting for my decision. Dude I heard you got rejected! Take a shot! Come on! I’ll see you around, alright? Oooo yeah, there you go! Wooo, that’s it! Yes! That’s the boy! (idle chatter) Don’t you find that funny? I don’t get it, why don’t you find that funny? Oh my god, never in my life have I ever seen so much alcohol on one singular table I mean how do you guys pay for that shit? Well I guess Andy kind of pays for everything. I think his parents own that club. Damn. How often do you guys do this? Every weekend. Why is this like your first time out or something? Well I mean… I don’t know how I just… spent four years of my life just hunched over a SAT prep book. I mean it was worth it. You got into Harvard. Isn’t that like a pretty good school? Right. Where’d you say you got in again? I got into Stanford. Now see, how do you guys manage to go out every weekend, and you still turn up on Monday with perfect grades Haha, my grades aren’t that good. Yeah, well I’m sure your CV must have been wicked. I know you got a lot of stuff going for you. What? Your CV? Haha, what’s that? I know you- you know you, Your essay must have been pretty impressive. Oh no my essay was shit. I mean it took me a while to write it. Like an hour or so. Well you know, maybe it’s just because… you have an amazing personality… Yeah, most likely. (chuckles) Amber. Nothing… Yo… You can’t get a cab there, man. I tried so many times already. I’m calling my driver, man. Wait. Wait. You’re Hyo right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Korean cooking class Hyo. Whatsup man? So I heard you got into Cornell… Congrats, man. Thanks. Since when do you go clubbing? Since my roommate dragged me. Yeah? Who’s that? Rohan… Wait, Rohan Patel is your roommate? Dude. No offense… But your roommate is a bit of a dick. He’s a lot of a dick. You know what? I helped his college essay and he still fucking ditched me in there. Woah, you helped Rohan Patel with his college essays? I told him what to write for his Harvard essay. Because that kid… He knows how to write. Just doesn’t know what to say… And look what he got. Rejected from everywhere else. Wait for real? Yale, Princeton… Cornell, Columbia, U-Penn… But Harvard, wait, Harvard. He got into Harvard right? Yeah, lucky shit… Dude tell you what. Yeah. Get up Why? Just follow me man. I’ll drop you off. My driver is on his way. Really? Yeah, yeah. Harvard 2014. Shit… Dude, wake up. Hyo, wake up. Dude… Amber and I… Ah, you missed it. Thank God I missed that. No, I meant “VIP” You missed VIP man. Where’d you go off to? Man those guys know how to live. Fuck, I went back because you fucking abandoned me there. Hey that’s not fair. You saw Amber drag me in. I thought you’d stop by. Well next time I’ll say I got into Harvard. Hah, funny. You think it’s funny? Come on man. You know it’s not gonna last long. What? You know what to do. You’re just afraid to face it. Look, I thought you’d have fun tonight. Oh yeah, a lot of fun… Watching you lying to all those people? You call that fun? Yeah I had a lot of “fun” man. Look, Hyo. You’re not the one whose ass is on fire, okay? So enough of the moral highground bullshit. You’re talking crap. I didn’t fucking lie. You didn’t lie?! Really, Hyo? You didn’t lie? Who wrote your Cornell essay, huh? Who? You lied to an admissions officer. I Iied on Facebook. So don’t give me this bullshit about honesty. Rohan. I want to talk to you. I’m sorry. I had a late night. It was my um… Save it. I had a pretty interesting discussion with Hyo. About what? Why don’t you tell me? Mr. Miller, look I can explain. Well… Well the thing is. After all the time I
spent working on that essay with Hyo and you think you can just play me? As if my investment in both of you means absolutely nothing? I was only supposed to fix his grammar. Rohan, you wrote the entire application essay. Mr. Miller, look… I never intended to– Are you gonna report this? Let me tell you a little something about “pride,” Rohan… About “face.” If my colleagues found out that my two best students basically cheated their way into the Ivies. I’m sorry. Sir, I’m sorry… I… What happens now? I don’t know what happens now. We could ruin 12 years of education. We could ruin an acceptance to Harvard. We could ruin my own reputation. You’ll save your face. And I’ll try to feel good about saving my own. You told Miller. You told Miller I wrote your Cornell essay. Do you realize what you’ve done? Hyo I was gonna tell him about Harvard. And now he’s not going to forgive me. Why? Because you’re his pet. And tell me that’s not your fault? You know for the first time this school gave me a bit of respect. And you just fucked it all up. Dude, listen. I can promise they never respected you. Yeah, and you’d know so much about respect? Hyo you got an A-star student to write your essay. and, even with that kind of help, you only got into Cornell. What about you then? Hipster stuff for Brown, science stuff for Princeton? I didn’t get rejected from Harvard. Rohan, just face it. You got rejected from everywhere. (phone ringing) Hello? Hi Pa. Yeah… Yeah, I was gonna call you but um… just haven’t had time. Yeah, thank you. Thanks, Pa. Yeah, I know… I know… Pa, it’s not exactly what it looks like. I… Yeah, I know, I know it’s good, but um… Ok listen, Pa. Can I call you back? No, I’m in the middle of something. I’m a bit busy. But I’ll call you back. Yeah, Pa. Okay. Alright, I love you too. Hey Patel! Dude get up. I gotta talk to you. Come on, man. Come on, Patel… Dude Timothy Wong… …didn’t get into Harvard…. Who? Timothy Wong, the short Asian kid, green glasses Okay. Dude, you mentioned him in the club last night. Remember? Ohhhh right! Yeah… right… shit… haha, yeah. No he told me he… um… Well he didn’t get anything from Harvard. Yeah and that’s what I told you. Funny thing because he just called me and he told me that he got an email from
Harvard saying decisions were delayed… So I mean I’m just curious here… was that email you got actually from Harvard? What are you trying to accuse me of not getting in? Oh man shit no I’m not trying to accuse of anything. Chill, come on man. I’m just curious that’s all. and I mean just wondering Where else did you say you applied to again? I didn’t apply anywhere else. That’s not what your Korean boyfriend told me. Come on, Patel… Do you seriously expect me to believe that someone that gets rejected from all the Ivies somehow gets his ass into Harvard. I mean, shit, Harvard? Hyo told you this? Yeah. And you believe him? You believe everything he
says? Andy, let me tell you something. This kid you just conversed with… You know he got into Cornell right? Right? And you wanna know why? Guess who wrote his Cornell essay? Moi. Okay so if you wanna undermine my intellectual fortitude then maybe you wanna get your facts right. And speaking about facts… You wanna know what I know is true? I know you got rejected from everywhere. Yeah… And you wanna know how I know this? Because more than one person told me. Yeah but at least I was upfront about it. You know what’s actually pathetic? I mean this is coming from my perspective. Okay? How you actually managed to get rejected from Stanford… even… …even after that 5 million dollar donation your Dad made. You and your family really are true paragons of honesty. Yeah… Well I didn’t apply there. Rohan, it’s going to be fine. It’s not like he’s going to do anything anyways. Look, Amber, I told you , okay? Me and Andy, we just don’t get along. Okay? And I don’t wanna create problems with this guy. Do you live here? Yeah. Why? I don’t know it’s… it’s empty. Where are your parents? I dunno. Somewhere in Europe? Where are your parents? In India… Oh yeah, what do they do? Well my Mum died when I was 4 and…um… My Dad is a bellhop at a casino. Alright, well I’m gonna go get ready… (cheering) Yo Rohan! You Indian Mother Theresa! I heard you got that Korean boy into Cornell. Dude, dude… Patel! Trust me, man. You can’t afford this. Look, Andy, I know you’re upset. Okay? I know you’re upset. Let’s just be civil. Alright? I’m sorry. You’re sorry? You’re apologizing to me? Dude, you have no idea where you are. This is a place for fucking. I’m gonna fuck you. Is there a problem Mr. Widjaya? Yeah. This guy over here. You remember his face, alright? This guy right here! Guys listen up! Everyone! Rohan Patel. Mr. Harvard Class of 2014. He got rejected from all the Ivies! Princeton – rejected. Yale – rejected. Cornell. Who the fuck gets rejected from Cornell? Ladies and gentleman… Rohan Patel is a liar and shit. You listen… Alright? Slumdog Amber. Amber doesn’t want you. Come on, you wanna fight?! What do you want, dog?! Get him out! Come on, Slumdog! I got him, I got him, it’s cool! Fuck man! I mean who the hell does he think he is? He’s Andy Widjaya, man. Kid’s got money. Kid needs a reason to have a good time. Well you don’t believe the shit he says right? You just don’t! Why should you be giving a shit man? Listen. Back then I was depressed a lot moping around over the “he said–she said,” and all that drama. You know what I did? I stopped caring. And look at me now. I’m a happy mother fucker. I don’t know. I mean I don’t know what I’m doing with these people. Fuck, I don’t even know what I’m doing here… I… I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, man. Look. You know something is wrong when having a good time becomes routine. Like sometimes… a “bad time” …can actually be a “good time.” And you know why? Because you know at the end of the day, You just wanna pop a bottle of Dom… But you also want good people to pop it with, man. And I love you, man. I really do but… You’re not us. You’re not a “Baller.” You’re something better. You’re a “Scholar” Hey baby. Rohan, we gotta stop meeting like this. Here let me help you up this time. Really? I guess anything to get over a woman. How’s the wife? My wife. She’s still alive… unfortunately. You know forgiveness is a strange animal, Rohan. The more you forgive… The more the person who’s forgiven forgets they were forgiven in the first place Rohan, look I came here to apologize to you. No, I started it. Look, you’re not the only guilty party here. Hyo knows he got into college because of your essay. It’s not his fault. I drove him away. What, jealousy? Hyo never struck me as the envious type. No, not Hyo. Me. The morning the results came in. Hyo got into Cornell and I got rejected. Rohan, you have no reason to be jealous. You got into Harvard. It’s the best of the best. Then I got rejected from the rest of the best. Dartmouth, Columbia, Princeton, U-Penn and Brown. One by one… One damn “thank you” after another. I guess I was just in denial. Because no one has heard from Harvard yet. Not even me. (Harvard Class of 2014) (Delete Post) (Dear friends… I write to… ) (…that I have failed…) (…I lied to you…) (…took some of you for granted…) (…I guess you could say it was because of the pressure…) (…but I volunteered…) Good evening delegates As you know our chairman Rohan Patel is no longer with us I think a couple of you know probably why. I will be taking over as the Chairman of this conference and I’d like to impose a set of really simple, easy-to-follow rules (Your Harvard Admissions Decision) First of all No use of electronic devices at any point during session. And, uh, secondly… Take that off and wear a suit next time – understand? Good Alright, let’s start with a regulation number 2332 on a propagation of a law adopted by the assembly of Kosovo 12 years old I write the national exam I spent the past 6 years studying for. It was this table. I remember I remember sitting down just looking at
the exam paper and just smiling… Because I knew I was in. I knew I was an exception. I spent the next 6 years at ACES believing that. I’m sorry I put you through all this. You told everyone else as well? The news of… the number one student’s glorious lie
spreads like wildfire The whole Senior Admin. Principal, Vice Principal, teachers… They all heard so… They called me down. I didn’t have to do much other than… You know, just look perpetually embarassed… I’m nothing. No. To them Not to me. They might have accepted you because of the Harvard thing, But I don’t care. I don’t care even if you decide to join… …Nursing School And… The decisions from Harvard came in today… I got in. You know it makes sense. Makes sense… …sincerity and all that jazz… I know I can’t… …express it to you right now, but… …I’m really happy for you… I mean more than anyone else you deserve this the most. Being honest to yourself is… more important than anything else. You know I don’t have any voice in English You know you gave me one. But it’s not mine. It doesn’t belong to me. Might as well check yours. I never thought I stood a chance. Because my English is so basic so I could never wrote those kind of essays like other people did Those “transformational” things, you know? It seems like it worked out well enough for you. Soccer makes him happy. So I told him to write about that. And… Cooking makes me happy. So I told him to write about that for me. The essay was about… …a simple pleasure in life… What are the odds of getting a second chance? Guess we’ll be roommates again.